Day 8

Today I chose to mix two themes. I wanted to work on my ability to listen and  accept criticism. Why did I choose these themes in particular? 

I blew up in mid-air during a work meeting within a seminar team I’ve been working with for 10 years now. 

An argument that had been slowly rotting has expressed itself in the form of criticism that, in my opinion, was unjustified, made me freak out. I threw it all out and had the good idea to resign right away. 

It was a relief at the moment.  

– So that’s it?  You said you wanted to take criticism, and here you are… 

– Yes, that’s right. I have to admit it. What happened happened. And I’ve got to live with it. To deal with it and turn the damn thing into a lesson. 

– You’re hard to follow. If someone were to read these lines, they would say: what is this guy talking about?  

– I know. But that’s the way it is. 

This exercise turns into “automatic writing”. 

My fingers are racing over the keyboard in search for meaning.  

– You were off to a good start. You were recounting the episode of yesterday’s meeting, of your outburst. You don’t want to go any further.

– Not easy, I admit. I just woke up from a nap. I thought I’d get some clarity of mind when I opened my eyes, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. The clock puts me under pressure. 

– It’s not that bad, old man. Just keep going. Remember the conference you attended some time ago. It was one day in Aix en Provence. Do you remember that?

– Yes. We came across it by chance. There was a notice with a title like “Cancer and writing”. Do you remember? 

– Of the situation, yes. There was a courtyard and benches under the shade of big oaks. It was warm. The trees provided shade and a semblance of coolness. You could hear the speakers talking from inside the building. 

– That’s it. And? What was the speaker talking about when you arrived? 

– I remember. He was reporting about a writing experience. Something like the flow of consciousness. It doesn’t matter if the writing makes sense or not. In any case, it doesn’t matter if the meaning isn’t immediately visible. The substance can be hidden, he reported.

– And? Do you see a connection between this and the themes you have chosen today? 

– No, not really. Not by now. Maybe with a bit of digging, I’ll find something. 

– You should have time for that. 

– Indeed, the clock is ticking… 

– Do you feel like a victim of something? The victim of a nasty trick of fate, or something like that? 

– You’re getting me in trouble here. My fingers are trying to catch up with the time, but they struggle. 

– Figure it out. That’s the rule of the game. 

– Okay. I get it. But… 

– But what? 

– Resentment. Maybe that’s what I want to talk about today. 

– It’s up to you. 

– You have to make a decision.

– Resentment, yes. That’s right. From wanting to be a better listener and accept criticism, I’ve moved to resentment. That’s the emerging theme. 

– I might as well warn you, you have a long way to go my friend.